Lately, I have been in what you could call a spiritually dark place. Whereas I used to feel strong and confident in my faith, I've lately had a hard time believing even the simplest of principles of faith. There have been a lot of changes and crazy things in my life over the past year, and a lot of that has added to some confusion in my mind and spirit. It's like driving through a thick fog for an hour, then coming out of the fog and not really knowing where you are. My hope is that with time, I will begin to gather my bearings and become aware of where I am and what's around me.

One thing I have learned (and still am learning) is that it is okay to question, even to doubt, our faith and even our God. Too often, Christians are afraid to ask questions; afraid to raise serious doubts about the existence of God. We become quickly defensive, either with other people or with ourselves, and are quick to judge our questioning as sinful and unfaithful. But is that really true? I don't think so. As Thomas Jefferson said, "Question with boldness even the existence of a God; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason, than that of blindfolded fear." I believe God is more interested in our honest inquiry into the nature of God than our blind faith that never questions or challenges what we've been taught. If we honestly seek truth and come away with our faith still intact, we will come away with a stronger faith.

And this is where I am; In the midst of asking more questions about my faith than I ever have. I am doubting more about my faith than I ever have. Some days it is hard to believe that my questioning is productive or fruitful. There are days that I feel so far removed from God that I'm not sure how I got here or how to get back. But I have confidence that if i earnestly seek God, if I pursue truth with vigor, then I will discover some hidden truth or beauty that I've yet to see and my faith will become all the more alive and real to me. In many ways, it is as if my current faith is not just in God, but in the promise that if I seek I will find.

a glow fading in the dark

photo by jonah jones


i watched my Ghost just walk away into the Dark
it left me here alone and naked in the park
with the foggy streetlight paleness of my soul
i felt a cold indifference i'd never known

a strangeness from the thing i had been
an unseen Thing i wasn't sure was there to begin
and yet a fading glow in the Dark served to peak
desire to quench the thirst that is my curiosity

the tv glowing in the next room late that night
i can hear the cards are up by two top of the ninth
it makes me wonder which feeling means more
the feeling of the actual win or the one right before

i haven't been feeling either in quite some time
the Darkness overwhelms my tired and heavy mind
but in the stillness of the night i feel a prod
from the glow fading in the Dark i know to be my G-d