every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future.

giving up the ghost of the material

2007-03-04T17:49:00.000-05:00

in my struggles with faith, i have come to a conclusion, albeit a progressive conclusion and not a stagnant one. that conclusion is that the call of faith, the call of discipleship, is not to obey a certain set of rules or believe a certain set of dogmas. the call on our lives is for us to give up the temporal for the eternal. physical for spiritual. delusion for reality.

you see, most of the things we hold dearly to are things that do not really even exist. we cherish our precious money, but our money has no basis in reality. it only exists because we created it. it has meaning only because we've assigned meaning to it. if one were to take a million dollars to a deserted island, the money would lose all meaning and would exist only as paper in a giant sack. the only way it would ever be of use is if someone came from a culture that assigned value to that particular form of currency.

the same can be said about our bodies. one of the few things we know most about is ourselves, and this includes our bodies. however, we have fooled ourselves into believing that we are our bodies, and this simply is not true. our bodies, while i believe are very attached to our spirits, are not who we are. as c.s. lewis said, "you do not have a spirit; you are a spirit. you have a body." but onward we plunge through life as if we were the sum of dust and water, which allows us to treat those around us in the same way. and so we do not love our neighbor because we do not believe him or her to be anymore than an earthly competitor who will consume the resources we think we need to survive if we allow them to. thus we store up our treasures on earth, guard them with locks, gates, walls, guns, tanks, and most deadly, cold indifference, if not outright hostility, towards the suffering of those without.

if we were willing to give up this delusion of the material, this fascination with all that we assign value to but which we can show no innate value other than that which we give; if we were willing to live like spiritual beings, then it is my belief that we would, in turn, learn to be more human and less animal.

20,000 more is 150,000 too many

2007-01-15T14:15:00.000-05:00

presidential address, return to sender, you won't be coming home
so march to your tombs, you fresh faced youth of the new rome,
march to the drums of war, ask not, doubt not, have faith
the new gods, progress, democracy, profit, demand your lives

"we cringe paying taxes because our money goes to pave new trade-routes with blankets of blood" [decahedron]

2006-11-15T14:29:00.000-05:00

Lately, I have been in what you could call a spiritually dark place. Whereas I used to feel strong and confident in my faith, I've lately had a hard time believing even the simplest of principles of faith. There have been a lot of changes and crazy things in my life over the past year, and a lot of that has added to some confusion in my mind and spirit. It's like driving through a thick fog for an hour, then coming out of the fog and not really knowing where you are. My hope is that with time, I will begin to gather my bearings and become aware of where I am and what's around me.

One thing I have learned (and still am learning) is that it is okay to question, even to doubt, our faith and even our God. Too often, Christians are afraid to ask questions; afraid to raise serious doubts about the existence of God. We become quickly defensive, either with other people or with ourselves, and are quick to judge our questioning as sinful and unfaithful. But is that really true? I don't think so. As Thomas Jefferson said, "Question with boldness even the existence of a God; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason, than that of blindfolded fear." I believe God is more interested in our honest inquiry into the nature of God than our blind faith that never questions or challenges what we've been taught. If we honestly seek truth and come away with our faith still intact, we will come away with a stronger faith.

And this is where I am; In the midst of asking more questions about my faith than I ever have. I am doubting more about my faith than I ever have. Some days it is hard to believe that my questioning is productive or fruitful. There are days that I feel so far removed from God that I'm not sure how I got here or how to get back. But I have confidence that if i earnestly seek God, if I pursue truth with vigor, then I will discover some hidden truth or beauty that I've yet to see and my faith will become all the more alive and real to me. In many ways, it is as if my current faith is not just in God, but in the promise that if I seek I will find.

a glow fading in the dark

2006-11-12T22:06:00.000-05:00

photo by jonah jones

i watched my Ghost just walk away into the Dark
it left me here alone and naked in the park
with the foggy streetlight paleness of my soul
i felt a cold indifference i'd never known

a strangeness from the thing i had been
an unseen Thing i wasn't sure was there to begin
and yet a fading glow in the Dark served to peak
desire to quench the thirst that is my curiosity

the tv glowing in the next room late that night
i can hear the cards are up by two top of the ninth
it makes me wonder which feeling means more
the feeling of the actual win or the one right before

i haven't been feeling either in quite some time
the Darkness overwhelms my tired and heavy mind
but in the stillness of the night i feel a prod
from the glow fading in the Dark i know to be my G-d

a glass can only spill what it contains

2006-10-13T19:58:00.000-05:00

i would love to write something, but i just cannot summon anything to mind at the moment. so i leave you with a quote from g.k. chesterton that i have come to love:

"The sane person always cares more for truth than consistency. If he sees two truths that seem to contradict each other, he accepts both truths and the contradiction along with them. His intellectual sight is stereoscopic, like his physical sight: he sees two different pictures at once and yet sees all the better for that."

and while i'm at it, here's some artwork:

2006-09-14T22:09:00.000-05:00

yet another death we could avoid..

2006-08-16T22:03:00.000-05:00

The State of North Carolina is planning on killing Samuel Flippen this Friday morning at 2 a.m. Here is a copy of something I posted on a web-forum about the whole ordeal:

As a Christian, I firmly believe in the power of the life, death and resurrection of Christ. Those things have brought salvation to this earth and all that is in it. Our salvation was bought at a price, and that price was the blood of Christ. Christ died for our sins so that we don't have to.

This alone is enough reason for me to support the abolition of the death penalty. I believe it makes a mockery out of God and of Christ's death. The state is telling us that Christ's sacrifice wasn't enough and that we must shed the blood of humans in order to make sin right. This is simply idolatry. To execute Sam Flippen or any other human being is to offer blood sacrifices to the god of Vengeance. How dare we presume that Christ's blood was not enough? How dare we take the life of another human when God strictly forbids this? What about Jesus' instruction to love our enemies? Jesus himself refused the death penalty for a woman who had been caught in an act that the law of the time required a death sentence for. If God is for the death penalty, then Jesus should have been the first to hit her upside the head with a rock and kill her. The law required it. Jesus resisted. In fact, he forgave her and released her with the instruction to sin no more.

To execute Sam Flippen is for the state of North Carolina (and by the state I mean all of us: the citizens of NC, lawmakers, government officials, prison guards, etc.) to cast the first stone, to say to Jesus "step aside, foolish man, and let us do what we believe is right." If any of you wish to tell the Executed and Risen Lord to step aside, please go right ahead. As for me, I will obey him and work for mercy and compassion.

God vs. Allah??? REALLY??

2006-08-14T23:04:00.000-05:00

I was reading an article about Bush's "shit" comment last week, and noticed there was a comment section below it. I scrolled through the comments a bit, and found this example of why it scares the hell out of me that there are people in this country who basically worship Bush and who think that God is fighting a war and using our troops to carry out His "will." So far removed from any grain of truth. Read with the warning that this may anger you (well, not that you haven't heard it before):

We must continue to remain loyal to Bush. I know he’s slipped up on a few things… hell, he’s made some pretty galling errors. Like Norman Mineta. But let’s go over a brief list of what Bush has done for us:

- Samuel Alito
- Bush Tax Cuts (Hell. Yes.)
- Supported opposition to abortion
- Supported our most important institution: the marriage of a man and a woman
- Stood strong on important stuff. His father caved on taxes when his polls looked down. Not Dubya.
- He literally inspires fear in terrorists. Just his name. Just because liberals crow with laughter dosen’t mean the terrorists aren’t frightened sick that the most powerful someone in the free world is determined to kill them all.
- Helped to being the clearing of the previous administrations ridiculous roadblocks to military force and law enforcement. Speaking of which…
- The Patriot Act.
- He’s wiretapped, fund-tracked, cash-strapped and in other ways hindered the terrorists. Let’s just hope the NYT dosen’t ruin all of them.
- He continues to call the evil people evil, and seems to really understand that God and Allah are at war. This is invaluable. Would you rather have someone who never caved to liberals on something like education bills but failed to see this war as the fight between good and evil that it really is?
- And let’s not forget that notoriously strong Bush economy that the NYT is so desperate to ignore all the time.

cops with cookies in the park

2006-08-12T23:56:00.000-05:00

tonight, i went downtown with a friend to see an outdoor movie in moore square park. an interesting crowd had gathered together for the occasion, including some of the folks experiencing homelessness who often sleep in the park. after the movie, i saw a police officer approach two men who were seemingly homeless. this would normally be a familiar scene, which would usually end in the men being asked to leave the area. however, what ensued gave me a small glimpse into what the kingdom of heaven must be like. there was a concession stand selling some snacks, and apparantly they had some leftover, because the police officer started handing these homeless men a bunch of leftover cookies. he then moved to where some children were sitting and gave one to each of them. as i watched the scene unfurl, i couldn't help but laugh at how odd it was to see a law enforcement officer giving out sweets to homeless folks and kids alike. but what a beautiful picture! i wanted to ask him if he'd consider replacing his gun with a sleeve of fig newtons or something and just hand out cookies all day. imagine such a thing! it makes me long for the day when we'll all dance together in the dream of God, casting aside all our prejudice and hatred and just love one another and love our Creator. if a police officer giving out cookies seems odd and peculiar to us, imagine how odd and peculiar a God who gives out grace to a bunch of sinners and who lays His own life down for the entire world! how odd! and how wonderful! i've said it before and i'll say it again, our Lord delights in foolishness and works in strange ways.

words of wisdom..

2006-08-09T09:27:00.000-05:00

"we cannot listen and speak and work out of our own centers and at the same time give our attention to weighing whether or not others are approving of us.. whenever we begin to act and produce with the approval of others in mind...we enter into the sin of judging our own works, of deciding what is good and what is bad, when our only task is to be faithful over what we have - to do the best we can with it and leave the judgment to God"

from "Eighth Day of Creation" by Elizabeth O'Connor

a couple half naked (but clean!) boys running around in a lightning storm

2006-07-27T16:13:00.000-05:00

there are times when we have to let go of our socially prescribed 'acceptible' behavior and take joy in the moment. today i was able to experience a taste of this.

lately, some folks at the house have come to enjoy the game of disc golf. our friend will, who has been living in the house all summer and is leaving for mexico soon, requested we send him off with our third disc golf game in the past week or so. towards the end of our game, the skies decided to drop the burden of thunder and moisture into the sky and to the earth. of course, we wouldn't let something so trivial interrupt our game. so on we played. on the way home, i prayed the heavy rain would continue. why you may ask? well, after crawling through brush, water, and possible poison ivy to find a small circle of plastic, i was feeling a little grubby. add to that the desire to conserve water and energy, as to treat ol' mother earth with some respect. the logical conclusion? rain shower. literally. will and i rushed in to grab some soap and shampoo, a few towels, a washcloth, some silliness and a couple childlike hearts, rushed back out under the part of the drain that was overflowing, and scrubbed away. the result: i feel cleaner and have a joy that comes from acting like a child while using what our Father and Mother were blessing us with from the sky. i know it sounds silly or insignificant, but it's experiments like these - experiments in simplicity and in returning to foolishness and joy - that are part of the process of unlearning the routines and 'norms' that choke our joy and relearning how to be in communion with and relish in the presence of our Lord.

adjustments and the abandonment of idol worship

2006-07-21T23:15:00.000-05:00

as i adjust to living in community and practicing living more simply, i am finding that when i remove myself from "normal" life - consumer culture, wealth, pursuit of "happiness"- i am suprised at how much resistance i encounter from within. parts of me that did not wish to participate in these things suddenly cry out for me to partake. with no income coming in, i worry about money, even though i say i have faith God will provide. i start to realize that i can no longer enjoy some of the pleasures i have afforded myself so often (or at least not nearly as often), and within me there is a voice begging for those pleasures. my imagination even joins in on the resistance as i worry about my future and how my decisions now may affect my ability to marry, raise a family, get a job, etc. i worry about these things even thought i know those things are still possible in community, and that following the way of Christ is far more important of a task for me in the present moment.

when breaking free of the trap of a self-centered, self-seeking way of life, there are voices within us that will cry out. these may just be the idols we have to abandon and serve no longer: money, security, comfort, and most of all, ourselves.

love more even with less

2006-06-11T22:36:00.000-05:00

if faith the size of a mustard seed can move a mountain, what can love of the same size accomplish? why do we sit around waiting for some swell of love to overcome our hearts when the smallest tug would be enough? isn't love like yeast, which seems small until it is worked into the dough and rises, changing the outcome drastically. if we work what little love we have out, will it abound and cause our hearts to rise and swell with love? why are you afraid of this?

i guess what i'm saying is: give love a chance. even if it's a fleeting one. even if you don't feel like it's enough.

the unlearned voice

2006-06-07T09:27:00.000-05:00

Forrest, my brother(in-law) posted this comment on one of my previous posts, but I thought it was so good, I thought I'd put it up here for those who might not venture to the 'comments' section.

Forrest writes:

The issue of how the culture we live in affects how we view God and religion really strikes a chord in me. It's obvious to me that we are light years away from a garden, with simple communion with God, contentment, and simplicity. As adanced as we are tecnologically, and as easy it is to communicate, it's frightening how deficient we have become relationally.

Our three-and-a-half month old son has recently begun to try to talk to us (keyword: try). Granted, he's far away from being able to form words, much less sentences, but lately he has started grunting and vocalizing in such a way that it's obvious he's trying to communicate, or at least imitate. As we've experienced this, I've often wondered if I could make the same noises that he makes. I don't just mean generic grunts and coos and murmurs, I mean truly unlearned, unpracticed, and unpurposed noises. I realized that I know so much about how to speak, what to say, how to say it, and that my tongue has been conditioned so completely with a limited language of appropriate, "English-sounding" sounds that even if I tried, I couldn't make a purely untaught, undisciplined, or unintentional sound.

I bring this up only because it seems the same in the area of spirituality. We have been so thoroughly conditioned by the world we live in, we have lost a great deal of the spontenaity, poverty, and simplicity that is required to really approach God in a meaningful way. But should we really be surprised? This idea is directly consistent with the fall of man and the by-product is the broken world in which we live.

My hope and belief is that we are not beyond recovery. God created us with an inifinite capacity to think and advance and I would wager that He knew exactly what He was doing. It's such a challenge, though, to try and put aside these ingrained habits and inclinations, especially when our culture and world puts so much emphasis on them.

come, risen Lord. teach us your resurrection

2006-06-04T22:15:00.000-05:00

I have been writing Eugene for about three months now. Eugene is living on North Carolina’s death row, where he’s been condemned by the state to die for a crime he may or may not have committed. Our writing relationship started slowly, but as any friendship, we grew more comfortable with one another over time. I had been meaning to visit him in prison for quite some time now, but had been too “busy” (which really means that I was subconsciously putting it off). Walking into a prison to spend an hour talking to someone you barely know is a daunting task. But that is where I found myself today. This past Thursday, I made an appointment to come visit Eugene (or Teddy as he likes to be called), and had been thinking and praying about it over the weekend. And I have to say, I was a bit nervous about the whole thing.

The visitation process isn’t as onerous as I thought it might be. When I first arrived, I was asked to check in and get a visitation pass. Once the time came for my appointment, I simply walked to the main building, showed my photo I.D., got in an elevator, went up, and stepped out into the visitation room. Pretty simple. I was directed to room number five, where Teddy was anxiously awaiting my visit. As I walked in the very small concrete and poorly lit visiting room and sat on the small stool, I was immediately greeted warmly with a big grin through a glass and steel wall. All anxiety about the visit dissipated. All nervousness in my stomach gone. The conversation started and didn’t stop for an entire hour, when the guard came to notify me that my time was up. Teddy and I covered a spectrum of topics with our conversation, which flowed as naturally as the Mississippi River from one subject to the next. What struck me was the familiarity of the whole thing. Sure, there were a few awkward pauses, but overall, I felt very much at ease talking with Teddy. And I think I have a hunch why.

Christ said that when we feed the hungry, clothe the naked, visit the prisoner, it is as if we are doing it unto Him. I’ve preached this for years, but the full impact did not hit me until I walked into a small room and talked to Christ through a veil of glass and steel. Maybe this is why my nerves were settled.; why it felt so familiar. I have been proclaiming my faith in Christ for 17 years now, and yet very seldom have I sat in His presence as I did today at Central Prison in Raleigh, NC. The death penalty ceased to be an issue for me and it became real. It was given a face. It became a friend‘s struggle. It became Teddy’s - no, it became Christ’s struggle.

Our Lord was executed at the hands of the state, and I believe He understands well the struggle of men and women facing death at the hands of our state. To visit the prisoner is to spend time with Christ, and to stand against the execution of a fellow human being is to proclaim that Christ has brought life to all and that death no longer has power over us. This is why I oppose the death penalty. Sure, there are many other great reasons to oppose the machinery of death. But Christ’s death and resurrection have shown us that death is no longer needed and we are invited to share in the life of the Eternal One, and this is what compels me to say "NO" to the sacrificial killings to the god of vengeance and hatred.

race and the death penalty

2006-05-22T10:18:00.000-05:00

Anyone who thinks racism is dead in our country needs only to look at the death penalty and our justice system as a whole. This photograph was taken by my friend Scott Langley at an execution in Austin, TX just a few years ago. Racism still takes many forms in our society, and the death penalty uncovers some serious problems with race in our justice system and our society as a whole.

With the ongoing debate over immigration reform and other hot topics, it is obvious that racism and discrimination still exist in our society and that as our society and culture change, the face of racism will change as well. Sure, it might not look like it did in the Jim Crow south, but it still exists, and I would argue, there are those who would love nothing more than to reinstate Jim Crow laws.

As Christians, we should be on the forefront of equality movements and denounce racism as it exists in our country today. Unfortunately, we as a church seem to be afraid to take bold stances in controversial times. I say it's time we got ourselves into a little trouble.

the interconnectedness of all actions and finally a time to use the word interconnectedness

2006-05-11T23:12:00.000-05:00

After several conversations with friends, I've come to this conclusion: our actions do not exist in a vacuum. That is to say, everything we do is connected to something or someone else. This eliminates the notion of a "personal" decision, because ultimately, no decision affects only one person. Whether we acknowledge it or not, our actions have consequences, not just in our lives, but in the lives of those around us. The consequences of our actions extend even beyond the human race, as we are seeing with global warming and the daily addition of endangered species around the globe. We have so bought into the myth of individualism and "freedom" that we believe our actions are ours and ours alone. This simply is not true.

This is not true in a spiritual context, either. As Christians, we are a part of a Body, or family if you will. The myth of a "personal" faith is detrimental to the world. It creates a faith that is only inward and not outward. There is no better example of how the church has taught this than the question so many of us have heard; "Do you know Jesus as your personal Lord and Savior?" Jesus as our personal Savior places the emphasis on us.

As Brian McLaren notes, "In a self-centered and hell-centered salvation, doesn't Jesus- like every company and political party- appeal to me on the basis of self-interest so that I can have it all eternally and can do so cheaply, conveniently, easily, and quickly?"

McLaren goes on to say "I still believe that Jesus is vitally interested in saving me and you by individually judging us, by forgiving us of our wrongs, and teaching us to live in a better way. But I fear that for too many Christians, "personal salvation" has become another personal consumer product (like personal computers, a personal journal, personal time, etc.), and Christianity has become its marketing program."

I think McLaren is on to something. We as Christians have fallen into the trap of individualism, and have forgotten John 3:16; "For God so loved the world..." We tend to forget that Jesus' death and resurrection were for the entire earth and all that is in it. Saying that Jesus died "for me" places far too much emphasis on myself and blinds me from seeing that the salvation of the world has already taken place. Our role as Christians isn't to "save" others; it is to awaken them to the reality that they have already been saved, and to call them to follow the One who saved them. I'm not calling for universalism; I am simply saying that if we are to claim to have Good News, we have to understand that generally speaking, "news" refers to something that has happened or is happening. Salvation isn't something that's waiting around to happen in each person "individually" as they accept Jesus as their "personal Savior"; rather, it is something that has happened already, and the next step is to be awakened to that salvation within us. I really believe if we started seeing salvation for what it really is, we'd stop fighting over the few lifeboats and concern ourselves with saving the entire ship.

Our actions do not exist in a vacuum. And neither does our salvation.

true fasting

2006-05-09T12:42:00.000-05:00

Isaiah 58

1 "Shout it aloud, do not hold back.
Raise your voice like a trumpet.
Declare to my people their rebellion
and to the house of Jacob their sins.

2 For day after day they seek me out;
they seem eager to know my ways,
as if they were a nation that does what is right
and has not forsaken the commands of its God.
They ask me for just decisions
and seem eager for God to come near them.

3 'Why have we fasted,' they say,
'and you have not seen it?
Why have we humbled ourselves,
and you have not noticed?'
"Yet on the day of your fasting, you do as you please
and exploit all your workers.

4 Your fasting ends in quarreling and strife,
and in striking each other with wicked fists.
You cannot fast as you do today
and expect your voice to be heard on high.

5 Is this the kind of fast I have chosen,
only a day for people to humble themselves?
Is it only for bowing one's head like a reed
and for lying in sackcloth and ashes?
Is that what you call a fast,
a day acceptable to the LORD?

6 "Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice
and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free
and break every yoke?

7 Is it not to share your food with the hungry
and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—
when you see the naked, to clothe them,
and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?

dear reader

2006-05-06T20:09:00.000-05:00

i realize there are several people who read this (all three of you), and i would like to hear from you! if you come across this collection of thoughts, please say 'hello' and introduce yourself! i'm a friendly person, i promise!

UPDATE: i fixed it so anyone can comment. comment away!

our world is broken...

2006-05-04T09:20:00.000-05:00

As you've probably heard, a jury has sentenced Zacarias Moussaoui to life in prison instead of giving him a death sentence. I realize there are mixed emotions surrounding this decision, but I believe the jury made the right decision. Several 9/11 family members agree. Read the article by clicking the photo above.

In other news, the state of Ohio tortured a man for an hour and a half before killing him. Read about it here.

gather round friends, tell another joke at the ol' choppin' block

2006-05-03T10:19:00.000-05:00

you may be wondering, dear reader, what i have been up to as of late. well, let me tell you kind friend. i have had several joyous evenings with incredible friends in the past week, ranging from sitting around a fire at a backyard cookout to dancing to jazz at a speakeasy party to sharpening my modeling talent. yes, indeed, i have been quite busy, but i have been happy.

photostory of my life

2006-04-25T21:30:00.000-05:00

my friend maggie had to do a photoessay for her photo journalism class, and she chose me as her subject. she followed me around some at work and at home and put together this photostory of my experience here in chapel hill. here are the eight photos she chose, i thought i'd share them with you all.

what have we come to?

2006-04-17T13:42:00.000-05:00

Some of you may have seen in the news that there is a bill in South Carolina that would allow second-time sex offenders to be given the death penalty. You might have also heard that a young man in Boston killed two ex-sex offenders after he found their names and addresses from the Police Dept.'s website, then turned the gun on himself in a bus full of people. I think these stories bring up an interesting trend in thinking. Our society has become so vengeful that we seek death even when it's not required. I'm the first to admit that sexual abuse, especially when it's done to a child, is one of the most heinous crimes. It does not, however, merit that we take the life of an offender. There are many sex offenders who have recovered and are trying to build and live what little of a normal life they can. Do I think they should be locked up for quite some time? Yes. Should they be given therapy and help so that when they are released, they don't commit again? By all means. Should they be put to death if they do commit again? Absolutely not. I think if they are released and commit a second time, the length of their sentence should be increased drastically. But to put them to death is to worship the god of violence, and our country has worshipped this false idol long enough. This is just another dry spot in the throat of a blood thirsty society.

if he's just a dead man, let's all go home

2006-04-10T11:34:00.000-05:00

Christ is Risen!!!!!

those who have ears to hear..

2006-04-05T22:14:00.000-05:00

i'm going to do all you wonderful people who read this a favor and suggest some amazing bands that you've probably never heard of but most certainly should. here goes:

all things bright and beautiful - solo stuff by lee bozeman of luxury fame
the lassie foundation
wayne everett incredible. watch "a million leaves" video.
pretty much anything on this or this label is amazing.
mike roy- a good buddy from vintage21
finally, you should click on the links to the right under music i love, because all those bands are amazing as well.
it is my hope that one or more of these artists will fill your heart with joy as they do mine.

QUICK EDIT: I have to add Bonnie "Prince" Billy to this list. I've heard his record with Tortoise, and wasn't too thrilled about that, but tonight picked up one of his own records, and I must say to you all, it is simply amazing. If you are a country music fan of any kind, you MUST pick up Bonnie "Prince" Billy "sings Greatest Palace Music." (or at least click the link and listen to a few songs) I'm dead serious. Go buy it.

ah, the turpin genes

2006-04-03T22:45:00.000-05:00

folks, i swear to you, this is going to be me in 50 years. (this is my gramps, my mother's father.)

of sinking ships..

2006-03-30T11:26:00.000-05:00

if you are looking for something to listen to, consider going here or here and listening to 'of sinking ships.' it's beautifully written instrumental goodness. it's especially good if you are at work (or even home) and can put something on to listen to in the background while you work. it provides a quite nice sound backdrop for me while i lose myself in database entry.

blue like...

2006-03-29T11:54:00.000-05:00

I ran across this article yesterday, and found it to be hillarious. Some people in this world are just stupid. Those of you who have read Blue Like Jazz will especially get a kick out of it, and if you haven't read that book, do yourself a favor and read it.

some new collages i've worked on lately:

2006-03-26T01:36:00.000-05:00

there is a recycling center in chapel hill, and there's a section for magazines. there's a rack where people can put their old magazines for others to read, and i went there the other night to get some stuff for collages. i ran across several beauty magazines, and i've always been struck by images of beauty displayed on these magazines and also the messages about sex that we get from them. the first is an ad for lingerie, and i found the quote interesting (if you can't read it, it says "contrary to popular belief, red doesn't have to mean stop"), and wondered what it was really suggesting. of course, that's only my interpretation, but i think that the message underneath the ad is one that is communicated often.

the second is something i've wanted to work on for a while, and something that i'm certainly not finished with. i think it speaks to us all, male and female, because i think we are all hooked in one way or another. women are hooked into believing the images of "beauty" they see, and men are hooked into the same as well as the idea that women are something to hehold in the eye, something to be purchased and lusted after. we've learned to see them as objects, not people, even in the magazines that are supposedly for women. pornography is something that grips millions of men, a dark corner in almost every man i know's heart (including my own) is this battle for our minds. do we allow media and the voices around us to shape our view of women, or do we see them as daughters of God? do we view them as something to obtain, just like cars and watches, or do we view them as God's display of beauty and grace? it's a battle we fight daily, it's a struggle that both men and women need to recognize and work with one another to overcome this darkness.

the cutest boy ever

2006-03-24T00:15:00.000-05:00

i have the cutest nephew in the entire world. click the 'twopinklines' link to the right to see some photos about him and read what his mommy has to say.

what a night..

2006-03-17T03:32:00.000-05:00

I have had the craziest night. No, seriously. It's now 3:32, and I just got home. I should be in bed, as I have to get up at 8am, but I feel the need to write this while it's fresh on my mind.

Tonight, the state of North Carolina took the life of Patrick Moody. As usual, I was at the prison to prayerfully protest this state sanctioned murder. What was unusual about the night was that due to my director having pneumonia, and my fellow intern being on the road to Boston, I was the only PFADP staff person at the vigil. I was okay with this until this afternoon. I started to feel a bit anxious about the night, but figured everything would be okay. We arrived at the prison at 9pm, as usual, and started the prayer liturgy. The police had completely gated off the area we were to stand in, had a huge generator-powered spotlight tower, and tons and tons of officers in uniform standing at the entrance to the prison. Okay, a bit more effort than they usually put in, but that didn't seem too out of place. Things were going fine until two men showed up in the crowd, trying to get everyone's attention. The younger of the two spoke loudly, saying "I understand you are all here using your right to free speech. Now I'd like to use mine. The Bible says that the wages of sin is death...." I knew where this was going, and I could sense a few people in the crowd becoming very angry that this man was disrupting our peaceful prayer service. I immediatly rushed over to the man, and said "Can I please have a word with you?" He replied "I'm trying to speak," to which I said, "Yes, I know, but can I have a word with you?" I explained to him that we had obtained a permit to peacefully protest, and that it was invasive of him to come and preach among us. I told him I was a Christian, and that as a brother in Christ, I was asking him to please let us pray in peace. I said I thought the Spirit was moving among us, and that I'm sure he doesn't want to hinder the Spirit. He disagreed and said "Well the police said I could speak" and went over to get one of the police officers. The older man of the two, whom we later discovered to be the father-in-law, stayed next to me and I pleaded with him to just let us pray in peace. He said "well that's what we'll do," shook my hand, got his son-in-law, and they left. I was stunned. I couldn't believe that I had kept my cool so well and that these guys were actually leaving.

This only lasted an hour or so. The younger man came back, this time alone, without his somewhat sensible father-in-law. He was standing on the outside of the gated area we were restricted to, and began preaching at us again. He wasn't hateful, just disrespectful in his timing. I wasn't sure if I could jump over the fence the police had set up to talk with the man, so I called one of the officers over to ask him why this man was allowed to stand on the other side and preach to us. I asked if they could tell him to move along, to which I got some lame explanation about how "that right there is Raleigh City property and we are State troopers here to guard the state property (the prison). Well this was a lame excuse seeing as how there was no visible line to where the state and Raleigh seperated, and I was becoming very frustrated. The crowd listened patiently to the street preacher while I talked more with the police and finally the man left, but not after having a few words with me (or rather I with him).

By now I was thinking the night was out of my control. Things weren't really falling apart, but I just felt so frustrated that this man had come and had the audacity to interrupt our prayers with loveless preaching. Then, God showed up.

The whole night, I had noticed a man running past where we were standing. After a few times, I found it very odd that this man was running at such a late hour, especially passing by our spot several times. I even pointed this out to several people, laughing at how absurd it was to run in the cold in the wee hours of the morning like that. Then, God showed me how He delights in absurdity.

The man who had been running came into our crowd, and I saw him asking some people something. They pointed him to me, and he came over and asked if he could share something with us. By now, I was very suspicious and I asked him what it was he wanted to share. He said "My name is George. I just want to stand in solidarity with you." This reassured me and I told him to share what was on his mind. He pulled out a sheet of paper, and spoke the most poignant words I have heard since attending these vigils. He explained to us that the entire night, he had been running a loop around Central Prison as his own form of prayerful protest. He explained that running was a time when he prayed, worshipped, and felt drawn to God. He told us how he opposed what was happening in the building in front of us, and how he could not imagine Jesus would inject Patrick Moody with poison. He told us that following Christ isn't safe, that he wasn't safe running the streets of Raleigh at night, that his wife and kids weren't necessarily safe at home, that Jesus never promised us following him would be safe or secure, but that we are to be obedient. And so he was running, standing in solidarity with us, and he shared his brief but beautiful statement of faith and kept on running. I can only explain George by saying that I believe with all my heart that God was misrepresented in the street preacher, and that He sent one of His servants to set things straight. And that he did. I have seen God tonight. His Spirit descended on that small crowd of faithful, and He did so in the most absurd way. And that is why I love Him and must give my all to Him.

by the way

2006-03-16T15:54:00.000-05:00

i'm going to start saving for one of these .. i think that would be nice. then i can take pictures like the above.

this little piggy said a bad word

2006-03-16T00:22:00.000-05:00

I've been trying lately to cut back on how much I swear, something which is a fairly new bad habit of mine. I've had mild success, until something happens like what just happened. My bed is very simple, consisting of a metal frame, a box spring, and a mattress. I don't mind simplicity. I actually like my bed. However, having an old metal frame has its disadvantages. Case in point: I was walking by the bed and ran my foot right into the corner of the frame, thus putting a nice little gash in my right foots pinkie toe. As much as I have been trying to will myself not to swear, I could not help but let a loud "SHIT!" escape my lips (along with maybe a few others). Needless to say, this is a problem that I would like to work on, but honestly, "darn" just doesn't cut it anymore for me. I need to find some words that carry the same level of exclamation without the negative side effects. In the meantime, I'm not sure if it's broken or not, but my pinkie toe hurts like hell (that one doesn't count, it's biblical).

art is hard

2006-03-14T23:16:00.000-05:00

I really need to create art more often. It is something I truly enjoy and yet somehow I don't do it as often as I should.

I have all these things I'd like to put down in writing, and yet I'm very tired and emotional as of late, and once I begin, it's hard to focus. But it would probably be worthwhile.

and we will drown your hate with the clapping of hands and plucking of the banjo

2006-03-12T20:00:00.000-05:00

When I was at Appalachian State, there was a crazy preacher, Gary Birdsong, who would stand on Sanford Mall (he is also notorious on campuses throughout NC and the southeast) and preach hellfire to students as they walked to class. People would gather around him, sometimes in the hundreds, and argue with him or just laugh at him. I ran across this photograph of wikipedia.com, which has an amusing description of Gary, and I think it represents the Appalachian response very well. Seeing this picture makes me realize why I love Boone so much.

do we believe and not follow?

2006-02-15T23:51:00.000-05:00

Many people have asked me over the past few months "what are you going to be doing after your internship?" I haven't had a good answer for them as of yet. Lately, however, I've been thinking and praying about something God is laying on my heart. That is, to move back to Raleigh and start an intentional community, connected with Vintage21. However, I have been reading this incredible book by this guy named Shane Claiborne, in which he talks about community, the gospel, and solidarity with the poor. All that to say this: When I say I am going to start a community in Raleigh, I don't mean another internship. I don't mean a place where people are charitable. Charity (while it can be a good thing) usually distances us from the needy. Jesus isn't going to tell us when we arrive in heaven "I was hungry and you gave money to the United Way and they fed me" or "I was naked and you gave clothes to the Salvation Army and they clothed me." The United Way and Salvation Army do great things, don't get me wrong. But too many times, Christians pretend like giving to those organizations somehow connects them with the poor. Sure, both needs are met; the rich feel good about giving and the poor get what they need, but there is no connection, there is no community between the two. It is only when the rich step down from their positions and join the poor that they will truly connect and fall in love with one another. That is what Shane is talking about in this book, and honestly, that is what Jesus instructed us to do.

So when I say I am starting an intentional community, what I really mean is I am joining the poor. I want to live nextdoor to them. I want to laugh with them, cry with them, join hands with them, fall in love with them. Not out of pity, but out of love! Because I am tired of being told how to "become" or "be" a Christian, but never being told how to live like one. American Christianity has made it so easy to be a "follower," without anyone actually having to follow anything! If we truly followed Christ, we'd follow him out of our suburban neighborhoods in a Uhaul and into the ghettos. We'd stop driving our Suburbans and our Expeditions, sell them, get a fuel efficient car (or God forbid, ride a bike or public transportation). We'd invite folks who have no food into our homes for dinner. We'd open up our spare bedroom to someone who sleeps on the street. How dare we claim to be "followers" of Christ when we ignore him on our streets daily. We haven't even begun to know Christ, much less follow him. I am realizing this more and more. It is not easy. This has implications for all of us. I don't claim or pretend to have it all figured out, or that my life always reflects what I have just said. I am selfish. I am materialistic. I am prejudiced. I am a sinner. But every saint has a past and every sinner has a future, and by God, I am determined that my future has to be different than my past if I'm to follow Christ.

this here new thing

2006-02-15T14:52:00.000-05:00

i have had a blog for quite some time, but never been very faithful in updating it. nor have i really cared about the content, usually posting meaningless thoughts. this is an attempt to be real. to speak my mind. to potentially piss some people off. and to hopefully allow others to see me for who i am: a broken but hopeful sinner who is trying to make sense of how to live like a christian, not just be one.